originally by Susan Nikaido. edited by S. Choi

If my sources are correct, the following scenario is played out frequently among the world of Christian singles. It happens on both sides of the gender line, but allow me to talk about it from a male perspective. A man meets a woman and begins to show interest in her. He asks her to spend time with him on a regular basis : hiking, biking, watching videos. He calls her at least once a week just to talk. He begins telling her about the deeper things in his heart and invites her to share at this level as well. He sends her mushy "friendship" cards and tells her that she means a great deal to him. He may become a little affectionate : the hugs begin to linger. The woman responds with her own special attention. After attention and encouragement from the woman, the man is definitely feeling more. So he asks the woman what's going on. To his surprise, she does a quick about-face. She insists they are just friends. After that, she avoids him, leaving him hurt and bewildered. He feels rejected - he has lost not only a romantic interest(he thought) but worse, a close and trusted friend. And he feels stupid. Did he really misread all those signals?

If a woman tells a man that she just wants to "be friends" but she treats him like it's more than friendship, he will believe her behavior instead of her words. It sets him up for a big disappointment. Or if she invokes the "just friends" mantra after being asked about the nature of the relationship, but then promptly begins to distance herself from the friendship, again, her actions do not match her words.

She may think she's sparing his feelings by avoiding a breakup. But by defining the relationship as a friendship, she hurts him even more deeply when she disappears. A dating relationship comes with certain risks.But he expects a friendship - especially such a close one - to continue. Think about it this way : A broken dating relationship says only, "I don't want to marry you";A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP SAYS TO HIM, "I DON'T WANT/VALUE YOU ON ANY LEVEL."

Taking a man down this path violates two scriptural principles. First,it's dishonest. The apostle Paul said that it was the way of the world to say "yes, yes" and "no, no" in the same breath (2 Cor. 1:17). A woman of integrity will call a relationship what it is FROM THE BEGINNING. Second, it is not kind or loving. The"just friends" approach may be safer for the woman, but it is harmful to the guy. In effect, she is asking him for the rewards of a dating relationship - companionship, emotional intimacy, even affection - without the responsibility. She is playing with his heart, and his heart will probably get broken.

But what if a woman does only want to be friends - or wants to develop a friendship before she decides to date? It's pretty simple. She just treats the man like all her other friends. She doesn't spend more time with him, call him more often than she does her other friends, or HUG HIM. She usually invites other people along when she gets together with him. She doesn't pick up the tab when just the two of them go out. She avoids compliments that might communicate he is "special" to her. She lets him know that she spends time with other men.

SHE'S EXTREMELY CAREFUL ABOUT SHOWING ANY PHYSICAL AFFECTION - EVEN PLAYFUL SHOVES OR HUGS.

If, after getting to know him from a safe emotional distance, she wants a deeper relationship, she tells him that she wants to date him.

What if you are not thinking about more than friendship, but he asks about your intentions? Tell him you appreciate him friendship, but be honest about where you are.

ABOVE ALL, THOUGH IT MAY BE AWKWARD FOR A WHILE, CONTINUE TO BE HIS FRIEND.

Men can be great friends. But women, unless you are ready for a dating relationship, PLEASE BE CAREFUL TO TREAT US AS BROTHERS, WITH ABSOLUTE PURITY, not as boyfriends, nor as something in between. Your honesty - with yourself and with us- will be pleasing to the LORD, and prevent hurtful confusion for your brothers in Christ